dammit. The Ivory Devil woke up and kicked my ass.
i accomplished an athletic goal and the fucking ivory devil mangled my brain into believing I was invincible. ...that I could test myself in the very face of the drug that is working to destroy me.
what an idiot. No, what a drug addict.
this sucks. I was doing so well. i achieved my athletic goal because I was clean, training clean and mentally focused. i got side-tracked. the big sigh of relief of success was the gaping hole that they ivory devil needed to worm his way in and skew my thinking.
Not next time. It's all right here now. I won't be tricked like this again. ...I suppose we'll see for sure... next time.
i am humiliated. i scared my wife. lied to my family and generally was everything nobody wants on Saturday.
o, and par for the course, the high was miserable, the paranoia humongous, the lies elaborate, the physical effects significant and the whole 'trust' thing that I was once again rebuilding with my wife crumbled.
back to square one. I am 24 hours clean. how long will it last?
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