Revisted: still fucked up

its worse.

2011, and its worse.

Seeing last posts from early 2007 just sank me deep into the chair.

Deeper into the hole.

I am still fucking up.

more later. Glad I found you blog. I need you.

I need something.

cocaine addiction sucks.

Almost 3 months clean - then...

i fucked up. again.

more coke. same ol' story.

i lied. i hurt my wife. i ducked from family and bailed on work.

it's gonna get me. one time, a last time, there will be no turning back.

i'll be dead.

or worse, 'living' in hell. ...sometimes i feel like i'm already there.

i am not bouncing back very well. i am angry. head hurts. tired. no motivation.

don't care.

all the things that push you right back into the cycle.

my family deserves better.

me?

i'm a loser, baby - so why don't ya kill me?

Staying strong - blog for support

I just had a very confusing head spin. Coke sounded really good for me - to alleviate boredom, I dunno, but then negative elements of the drug came crashing into the same thought.

I got dizzy. frustrated. really weird feeling.

People say one use of cocaine changes the way your brain works. Lots of use - lots of change.

I came here just now to stay away.

catastrophe avoided for now.

Saturday of Sin

dammit. The Ivory Devil woke up and kicked my ass.

i accomplished an athletic goal and the fucking ivory devil mangled my brain into believing I was invincible. ...that I could test myself in the very face of the drug that is working to destroy me.

what an idiot. No, what a drug addict.

this sucks. I was doing so well. i achieved my athletic goal because I was clean, training clean and mentally focused. i got side-tracked. the big sigh of relief of success was the gaping hole that they ivory devil needed to worm his way in and skew my thinking.

Not next time. It's all right here now. I won't be tricked like this again. ...I suppose we'll see for sure... next time.

i am humiliated. i scared my wife. lied to my family and generally was everything nobody wants on Saturday.

o, and par for the course, the high was miserable, the paranoia humongous, the lies elaborate, the physical effects significant and the whole 'trust' thing that I was once again rebuilding with my wife crumbled.

back to square one. I am 24 hours clean. how long will it last?

Stuff that you hide never gets healed

Hangin' in there

Could have been tested when my wife lied to me. I felt betrayal, deceit, anger, ...anger over the act and anger over the hypocrisy.

But I'm in a better place. It's cliche to run and use coke and blame it on another person and "what they did to you".

bullshit.

In this situation, no one does anything to you. You just find a way to become a convenient victim.

But not this time. I didn't go for the "free pass". because there is no free pass. whether she deserved it or not, I'm not interested in inflicting emotional pain or punishment on my wife. She's a grown woman with a conscious far deeper than mine. She makes mistakes and she can learn from them. Just like I'm trying to do.

Running off to bury myself in cocaine would only scar the relationship deeper. I am tired of healing wounds. I am looking for happiness in autopilot.

I skated this one. I hope my wife focuses on closing demon doors in her life.

One, apparant, key to keeping your mind off cocaine

stay busy.

it's difficult to think about spending time geeked out of your head when your too busy find the time for such.

i am uncovering new interests and hobbies, staying work-busy and focusing on vacations. i know not everybody has such luxuries and i'm sorry - but this is my blog.

...maybe it helps - maybe i'll be geeked as a monster by 3:00 p.m. ...you never know with this ivory devil.