Slaying the Ivory Devil

Revisted: still fucked up

2011-12-07T07:08:00.000-08:00

its worse.

2011, and its worse.

Seeing last posts from early 2007 just sank me deep into the chair.

Deeper into the hole.

I am still fucking up.

more later. Glad I found you blog. I need you.

I need something.

cocaine addiction sucks.

Almost 3 months clean - then...

2007-09-24T10:46:00.000-07:00

i fucked up. again.

more coke. same ol' story.

i lied. i hurt my wife. i ducked from family and bailed on work.

it's gonna get me. one time, a last time, there will be no turning back.

i'll be dead.

or worse, 'living' in hell. ...sometimes i feel like i'm already there.

i am not bouncing back very well. i am angry. head hurts. tired. no motivation.

don't care.

all the things that push you right back into the cycle.

my family deserves better.

me?

i'm a loser, baby - so why don't ya kill me?

Staying strong - blog for support

2007-06-27T13:34:00.000-07:00

I just had a very confusing head spin. Coke sounded really good for me - to alleviate boredom, I dunno, but then negative elements of the drug came crashing into the same thought.

I got dizzy. frustrated. really weird feeling.

People say one use of cocaine changes the way your brain works. Lots of use - lots of change.

I came here just now to stay away.

catastrophe avoided for now.

Saturday of Sin

2007-06-25T10:04:00.000-07:00

dammit. The Ivory Devil woke up and kicked my ass.

i accomplished an athletic goal and the fucking ivory devil mangled my brain into believing I was invincible. ...that I could test myself in the very face of the drug that is working to destroy me.

what an idiot. No, what a drug addict.

this sucks. I was doing so well. i achieved my athletic goal because I was clean, training clean and mentally focused. i got side-tracked. the big sigh of relief of success was the gaping hole that they ivory devil needed to worm his way in and skew my thinking.

Not next time. It's all right here now. I won't be tricked like this again. ...I suppose we'll see for sure... next time.

i am humiliated. i scared my wife. lied to my family and generally was everything nobody wants on Saturday.

o, and par for the course, the high was miserable, the paranoia humongous, the lies elaborate, the physical effects significant and the whole 'trust' thing that I was once again rebuilding with my wife crumbled.

back to square one. I am 24 hours clean. how long will it last?

Stuff that you hide never gets healed

2007-06-24T13:10:00.000-07:00

Hangin' in there

2007-06-20T08:19:00.000-07:00

Could have been tested when my wife lied to me. I felt betrayal, deceit, anger, ...anger over the act and anger over the hypocrisy.

But I'm in a better place. It's cliche to run and use coke and blame it on another person and "what they did to you".

bullshit.

In this situation, no one does anything to you. You just find a way to become a convenient victim.

But not this time. I didn't go for the "free pass". because there is no free pass. whether she deserved it or not, I'm not interested in inflicting emotional pain or punishment on my wife. She's a grown woman with a conscious far deeper than mine. She makes mistakes and she can learn from them. Just like I'm trying to do.

Running off to bury myself in cocaine would only scar the relationship deeper. I am tired of healing wounds. I am looking for happiness in autopilot.

I skated this one. I hope my wife focuses on closing demon doors in her life.

One, apparant, key to keeping your mind off cocaine

2007-06-14T09:14:00.000-07:00

stay busy.

it's difficult to think about spending time geeked out of your head when your too busy find the time for such.

i am uncovering new interests and hobbies, staying work-busy and focusing on vacations. i know not everybody has such luxuries and i'm sorry - but this is my blog.

...maybe it helps - maybe i'll be geeked as a monster by 3:00 p.m. ...you never know with this ivory devil.

the first week was easy

2007-06-13T06:06:00.001-07:00

...but yesterday the devil's disciple got in touch with me.

it was easy to turn him down at the time. I could think about his sorry, pitiful life ...listen to his pitiful woes of the topsy-turvy gay relationships life. ...picture him sitting in his dilapidated, chaotic house stressing over what gay boy was going to treat him like shit today.

that kind of imagery make it easy to stay away from the white.

but it's after that. the ivory devil wakes up in my head. starts molding skewed thoughts and manipulating perceptions.

i can't lie. driving down the road i thought to myself, "what if I just let loose this one time..." - the classic, falling-off-the-wagon comment that usually ends up as a multi-day, nasty, destructive binge.

thank goodness it was all fleeting. i was strong enough to fight it. ...this time.

note to self: LOOK BACKWARDS. look at what this shit does to you. the bloody, disgusting nasal properties. the loss of exercise and attention to responsibility. the family disappointment, distrust and let-down. the whole, back-to-square-one bullshit needs to be avoided.

there is no way to win. no way to hide. no way to pull it off.

forget about it. and if that's not possible ...keep coming back to this blog and reminding yourself that cocaine is the devil. it eats you alive and destroys much, if not all, of the goodness around you.

fight, fight, fight for your life.

2007-06-11T09:32:00.000-07:00

one element that is helping me stay clean:

No communication with the dealer aka. the devil's disciple

2007-06-11T09:27:00.000-07:00

so i took a picture of this nasty piece of paper that I blew my nose during one of my huddled-in-the-bed-snorting-coke-and-hiding-from-the-world episodes. it's gross, but i have no way to transfer off of my phone right now.

It would serve as a nice reminder to the physical misery associated with the ivory devil.

i'm not sure why the devil is sleeping so long. i haven't felt this good ...this strong in a very long time.

am i getting my life back? is {insert my name} back?

man, i hope so - but with the devil, there are no absolutes. ...ever.

the devil stays asleep

2007-06-09T14:08:00.000-07:00

had a minor test this morning driving twice past the dealers house on my way to and from being healthy and productive. no problems.

standing in the pool with wife ...playing with the kids in the sunshine. splashing, laughing spending quality time. those are things that everyone wants. it's amazing that those things can be available to us anytime but we let the demons pretend they aren't available ...or that we don't deserve them ...or know how to do them right. whatever "right" is.

i feel like i have all this extra time. time i would be huddled up in some dark corner shoving white shit up my noes and staring at the internet. sometimes navigating ...mostly just watching, staring - paranoid, staring through peepholes ...brain all confused and thoughtless ...scared thoughtless.

but not right now. right now i am with the people i love and it feels right.

The high may be fleeting but the struggle lingers on

2007-06-08T06:15:00.000-07:00

it's great that I feel great now

but that doesn't equate to everyone affected by my use to "feeling great". maybe they don't want to admit it but they don't have to.

the attitudes change.

the way she looks at me changes.

the way she talks and communicates with me changes.

she has to get high to deal with me post high.

the mood swings.

the yelling.

fly-off-the-handle man reappears ...and every time with a little more ferocity.

yea, maybe i feel good right now - but the people i affect are hurting and there's nothing that can fix that but time ...non-drug use time.

if i go back, it will get worse.

the ivory devil continues to spread its evil.

Nasty fucking drug

2007-06-07T08:32:00.000-07:00

So today, after some much needed rest, I was able to exercise and get my life back on track.

As usual, this nasty fucking ivory devil is asleep, making me believe that I will have no problem kicking it and will have no more urges.

but we know different, right boys and girls.

That nasty shit going to wake up right about the time I feel confident and strong.

I won't let it. That's what this blog is for --- to remind me of reality when my brain gets tricked.

Declaring war on white

2007-06-06T10:58:00.000-07:00

I need to read this blog before I decide to go drop $200 of my good money on that "white devil"

My head hurts, I'm paranoid that everyone in my office is wondering why I am falling asleep at my desk and sporting some thick, black rings under my eyes.

I can barely hold my head up.

It's been this way for two years. It needs to stop now.

Blog, will you be my sponsor? Because it's not possible for me to admit to the world I have problem and enter some rehab hospital. I'll lose my job, my home, my family ...all of which will be lost if I don't get a handle on this cocaine

I love you {wife}. You don't deserve to have to endure this lifestyle of uncertainty and fear.

I don't want to be this way.

How does one slay the devil?

so tired - feel like shit

2007-06-06T07:58:00.000-07:00

here I sit. no sleep after a massive binge that left me awake all night long.

not kinda-awake. completely awake. zero sleep. tired and can barely think.

this is why cocaine is the devil. it entices you and tricks your brain into remembering experiences such as this latest binge as 'fun', 'cool' ...whatever... when in fact it's nothing but pure misery.

for me.

my family.

my friends.

my dogs.

I feel like a miserable failure right now.

I want to kick coke for good. I hate it.

I've become a burden

2007-06-06T06:41:00.000-07:00

I have been addicted to cocaine for two years.

I used to be a pillar of strength. Now I am weak.

My wife is over it?

No one else really knows how serious it is...

My family is suffering.

I just want to say NO.

Cocaine is the devil.